Sorry, I couldn’t resist — did you know who I was talking about?

Yes, Stephen King has announced that he is finally going to publish an epic novel he has been working on for over 25 years. According to the Guardian’s article “Stephen King completes epic novel after 25 years” by Alison Flood, King’s novel Under the Dome is 1120 pages and features over 100 characters. Nevermind that his novels It and The Stand (the extended “director’s cut” anyway) were both over 1100 pages, and King’s shorter books usually come in around the 600 page mark. I understand that this is somehow news because it’s a book he’s been working on for a long time. But really, to brag, or at least pretend that it’s noteworthy, that a writer like Stephen King has written a long book is just hilarious. This man has written over 50 books in his career, which averages to what — almost two per year? He’s a prolific son of a bitch. I really don’t think it’s news that Stephen King has a long book coming out. Honestly, the article kind of reads like a paid-for press release.

I’m not particularly a fan of King but I don’t really thumb my nose at him either; his book On Writing, an autobiography and writer’s guide, is actually quite good. He offers a lot of great advice for writers and admits that even he breaks a lot of his own suggested rules. He’s had his problems, drug addiction, being hit by a car, but he’s survived to live another day, tell the tale, and bathe in a tub filled with paper likenesses of Ben Franklin.

Something I discovered (I so much love to learn) in my little mini research for writing this post, is that King had a book come out two years ago called Blaze. The main character in this book is named Clayton Blaisdell, suspiciously close to Oakley Hall’s character Clay Blaisedell in his novel Warlock written over 50 years ago. Hmm. I guess these things happen. I mean, even now I’m working on a novel whose protagonist is named Jayson Gatzbee. His best friend’s name name, you ask? Why, he’s Ty Slothropp.

I’m just funnin’ around. I’ve got nothing bad to say about Stephen King.

My friend Tom just sent me an article from The Guardian’s book blog; “Turning men into Page Turners” by Jean Hannah Edelstein is just an abomination of thought. It’s as though the most dastardly advertisers in the world coalesced into a Voltron-sized bad-idea-machine and presented a thesis of the most evil proportions at the World Summit of Terribly Awful Things. Ms. Edelstein presents some recently uncovered statistics from the University of the Obvious, basically summing up to “women read more than men.” All right, fine. Nothing too shocking here but also nothing too offensive. But the worst idea Ms. Edelstein ever had comes gurgling to the surface when the crux of her argument is revealed, and I quote:

Real change won’t occur until publishers band together and make a concentrated effort to re-masculate reading. One option, I suppose, would be to publish special gentlemen’s editions of books that are currently targeted at women, but might actually have male appeal. Female protagonists could be given male names, and romantic plots could be tweaked slightly to be more about football.

She might have said we could re-masculate reading by giving male authors who are more in line with Hemingway, books about guns and fishing and fighting, a fair chance instead of focusing on so-called “chick lit” about shopping and studs. Do you really think it’s even remotely plausible to re-brand a “chick lit” book and just put in male characters and male situations? I mean, this is the kind of thing Hollywood might dream up; it’s just awful, spurious even, and a slap in the face to literature. It’s a bastard of an idea, the kind of thing one thinks about and then quickly dismisses out of the fear that Satan might rise from Hell and offer you the world if only you’ll act on it. Wow, this lady is thick.

I don’t have an answer for getting men up to the reading levels of women; I think it would probably start with a child’s parents encouraging reading, and that encouragement being made consistent by teachers over the course of said child’s education. That’s probably all there is to it. Show both men and women alike that reading is enjoyable and show men specifically that reading isn’t just for chicks. I think the mental prowess that reading instills is pretty damn masculine. But ultimately you’re not going to turn a lifetime non-reader into a voracious reader; it’s just not possible. You gotta sow that seed from the moment of birth.