Trey Hamburger has a message for you: “Don’t be a dick.” His book, Ghosts/Aliens, has brought to the public conscious a new way of thinking about some “major shit,” including his findings that “Hawaii isn’t really a state” and “ducks may have more uses than previously thought.” It is ultimately, however, his discovery of a “teleporting Hot Pocket” that has so many people baffled.

If you’re unfamiliar with the lineage, Trey Hamburger is the cousin of Robert Hamburger, the author of REAL Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Book. Robert Hamburger, who brought us the ninja triumvirate of “1. Ninjas are mammals, 2. Ninjas fight ALL the time, and 3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people,” laid the foundation in our hearts for questioning the world around us. His cousin Trey has hammered that idea home with Ghosts/Aliens, in which he and his associate Mike Stevens unveil their multifaceted hypotheses that attempt to explain the unexplainable.

BOOKISH US: Your book, Ghosts/Aliens, has sparked a lot of controversy among readers and scientists alike. How do you answer those who try to discredit your findings?

TREY HAMBURGER: They can eat a dick.

BU: Did you encounter any resistance when you first attempted to publish your book?

TH: A lot of people don’t want me talking about this kind of thing.  My mom said it was a bunch of bullcrap.  I told her to shut up, and she did.

BU: How instrumental was your cousin, Robert Hamburger, and the success he found with his book Real Ultimate Power, in getting your discoveries into the public eye?

TH: Some people were like, “Yo, this is that ninja guy’s cousin, let’s hear him out.”  And that’s basically what happened.

BU: I’m sure your editor and the government censored some of the accounts in your book for the sake of humanity. What was it truly like when you first heard about the teleporting Hot Pocket? Please don’t spare me. I must know the truth.

TH: Surprisingly, nobody censored my personal account of a teleporting Hot Pocket.  So what people read in my testimonies is exactly what happened.  But I’m positive the there have been covert attempts on me and Mike Steven’s life.  It’s pretty messed up.

BU: Who do you hope to reach with Ghosts/Aliens? What do you want them to take away from reading it?

TH: I hope to reach a couple scientists so that hopefully we can start working together to stop these beings.  I want them to realize that there is some messed up shit out there and we need to face it.

BU: Do you feel Ghosts/Aliens leaves any unanswered questions? Do you have plans to release any companion pieces or otherwise new theses you’ve developed? What can we expect next from your research?

TH: Well, this Ghosts/Aliens problem is the issue I’m dealing right now at this point of my life.  Once I’m over this, I’ll be ready to move on.  As for any G/A related stuff, I’m working on a TV show where people can see all the messed up stuff we’ve experienced.

BU: Tell me about the videos you’ve been releasing on YouTube and on your website. What are you trying to say to your audience and what do you hope comes from these videos?

TH: Basically that the world most people live in is a sugar coated topping, but beneath it there is a world where towels float, mysterious gurgles happen, and dead grandpas pop out of nowhere.

BU: Have you been successful in auctioning off your virginity?

TH: No.

BU: I’ve heard rumors that Ghosts/Aliens might be made into a television show or a film. Who do you want to play Trey Hamburger in the show/film?

TH: I would want somebody to play my role who actually believes in this kind of thing and has a full understanding of weaponry, pressure points, and aquatic/semi-aquatic terrain.

BU: You’re very concerned about the collapse of the space/time continuum and psychic battling. If Stephen Hawking challenged you to a psychic battle, would you accept and how would you defeat him?

TH: If Stephen Hawking were to start talking shit to me and challenge me, I wouldn’t back down.  But in a psychic fight, I would not beat him.  When somebody doesn’t use some part of their body, the brain designates more brain space for other functions, making them stronger.  Since Hawking’s arms and legs are all crumpled up and basically useless, he has more brain space for psychic ability.  So basically he could decimate any opponent.

Ghosts/Aliens can be purchased from Amazon or from your local bookseller.

Trey Hamburger